get your real weird id
/If you haven’t gotten your Real ID drivers license which some of us need and some of us don’t and good luck figuring that out -- prepare to enter your cavernous DMV building to find aimless souls twitching their legs and checking their phones and wondering which bleary rep will input the vital info that proves you are who you say you are and who you are is maybe A-OK.
I stare at my birth certificate, one of the documents they need and the only thing I own that’s as old as I am. I wonder how I could vandalize the digits.
Other people are fussing and fluffing and practicing their smiles for a new ID pic. I pretend I’m not practicing mine, just being super friendly to whoever could absolutely care less.
Should I wear the neck scarf or will it look pretentious? If I smile, my eyes could close and I’ll end up looking dead for four years which could happen anyway but why be pessimistic? If my chin is down to keep my eyes open, will I look haughty, mean, angling for trouble?
Rule #1: If you want a good driver’s license photo, you have to think ahead. Don’t wear black, softer colors make your lovely visage stand out better, and don’t wear white, you may look washed out. Keep your eyes fully open (I’m sunk), and look like yourself so the cops will know it’s you unless that’s a bad idea.
Surprisingly, I’m eventually directed to Booth #8, my lucky number. I just love the way the two circles twirl around each other. Maybe I’ll twirl over my new pic on the very first take!
Rule #2: Your rep will want enough info to clone you. I give her the birth certificate, social security card, passport, house bills, dry cleaning slip -- I throw everything at her. Something should stick.
Rule #3: Don’t act suspicious, this is a government operation. Staring at her staring at my dull heap of papers, I want to say, “Don’t you ever want to change a date or two. Make somebody a little younger? Wouldn’t that feel powerful?” Don’t ask.
Rule #4: So much for primping!
My rep says, “Do you want a new photo for the new ID, or do you want to use the old one from the old ID?”
“You mean from four years ago, I could stick with that?”
“You have a one-time option to make that choice,” she says, and I want to ask a load of questions but the lines are long, and though I think I’m the most important person in the world, it might not be true so I mosey on with my brand new card imprinted with the younger old me.
But I’m perplexed. What if I’d gained 50 pounds? Or grown a horn? If this is such an important ID, why aren’t they checking?
I go back and make myself suspicious.
Me: Sorry to bother you, but this is the first time I’ve ever been asked if I wanted to use an old ID picture again. Is this a new thing?
Her: Maybe it is.
Me: Why do you think they’d allow that?
Her: I don’t know, maybe it’s speedier.
Me: Don’t you think people change in four years?
Her: Oh yeah, they could change a lot.
Me: I wonder if you glanced at the old picture and thought I looked younger. Was this an offer of mercy?
Her: (Looking away as if searching for help.)
Me: I don’t mean to be annoying, it’s just weird.
Her: Lots of things are weird around here.
And there you have it.
After checking the internet, I found nothing about this one-time offer. So my advice is this, just think weird and everything should work out just fine. Say cheese, or don’t say cheese, it’s apparently all up to you.
But please don’t quote me, unless you happen to get lucky Booth #8.